


Vivre Dans Espoir

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Drama, M/M, Romance, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-12
Updated: 2005-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:25:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set in 1914 during World War I. Brian is a rookie soldier and Justin is a simple man living in simple town located on the French countryside. Upon meeting each other the two fall in love. All too soon, Brian is called into battle, and he reluctantly leaves Justin behind. Six months later Justin recieves a letter stating that Brian was killed in the line of duty. Refusing to believe it, Justin decides to walk the long and winding road that he feels will lead him closer to finding out the truth.





	Vivre Dans Espoir

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

*Flashback*

He was nineteen when he first met Brian. The lankier brunette was a few years older and much taller than he was. Though despite Brian’s towering demeanor, Justin felt drawn to the handsome man like a moth to a flame. 

The bell hanging above the door jingled once pushed against by the weight of the door swinging open. 

Justin had been sweeping up the backroom of the store when he heard his mother greet the customer in welcoming French. He set the sweep gently against the wall and walked over to investigate; his curiosity enticed. A low rumble of French resonated around the room as the customer explained to Justin’s mother what he needed. Justin slowly crept up and peeked around the corner to see into the main floor of the store.

His eyes widened slightly at what they saw. The man was obviously in the military by the looks of his attire. His uniform fitted the contours of his body perfectly and the dark green color of it gave his slightly tanned skin an olive hue. His face was without a doubt his best feature. Full lips that were currently curved into a heartbreaking smile, soft spoken hazel eyes that twinkled when he chuckled gently, and his hair long enough to just brush the tip of his upper ear and taper down the back of his neck. Justin concluded that the man was devastatingly handsome.

“Justin,” his mother called for him. Justin felt his himself jolt into action; trying to keep his composure as he stepped around the corner. “Yes, mother?” Justin kept his attention riveted to his mother, not daring to look at the customer. Although he could feel the newcomer’s eyes, like adventurous hands, roving across his body. 

“This is Brian Kinney. Brian, this is my son Justin,” Justin’s mother introduced the pair to each other. Justin slowly brought his gaze towards Brian who was watching him with intent. Justin immediately averted his gaze. Brian Kinney, what an unusual name for a Frenchman.

“Brian will need your help to bring him to the local Inn, as he is new to the town,” Justin’s mother explained to the young blonde. Justin shot his gaze back to his mother. “What of the store?” he inquired. “I can handle it my son, now go and show Brian around the town,” his mother persuaded him. “Yes, mother,” Justin sighed. He glanced at Brian and without a word strode past him and out of the store. 

“Thank you, Jennifer,” Brian took her hand, brought it up to his lips, and kissed it gently. Jennifer blushed and smiled. 

Brian stepped out of the store and blinked into the warm sunlight. The morning was beautiful. The sun having just peaked over the mountains, cast a beautiful array of colors. The scent of the ocean, which could be seen a few blocks away, scented the air with a salty tinge. Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, allowing the calmness of the morning wash over him. This small town, no doubt beautiful, had a special aura encased in it that Brian couldn’t put his finger upon. 

“It’s a beautiful morning, is it not?” Justin asked him in melodious French. Brian looked around for the source only to find the blonde leaning casually against the stone wall of the store. 

Brian studied the younger beauty with interest. The boy did not look French at all being that he had blonde hair and blue eyes and not the smoldering looks a Frenchman usually bore. However it was because of his uniqueness that drew Brian towards him. The moment Justin had stepped out of the backroom was the moment that Brian felt his heart stop functioning all together. The boy was beyond beautiful. Even the word alone was put to shame when one would try to describe the way Justin looked. 

“Indeed, I grew up in the city, so beauty such as this is hard to come by,” Brian kept his gaze trained on Justin. The blonde blushed for he suddenly realized the true meaning beneath Brian’s words. “Come, let me show you to the Inn,” Justin gestured up the road with a tilt of his head. 

The two walked timidly up the street for the streets were cobbled and one could easily slip and get hurt. Justin studied Brian’s profile from the corner of his eye for a long while. “Penny for your thoughts?” Brian inquired aloud, never breaking his attention from the long winding road ahead. Justin balked upon realizing that he had been caught staring. 

“I was just wondering what compelled you to join the military,” Justin admitted shyly. Brian seemed to think it over. “Because my father felt that it was the right passage for me to become a man,” Brian stated simply. “It was not my choice of course,” Brian grumbled. “But then again my father and I never really got along, so it was no surprise to me when I found out that I had been signed into the military,” he added.

Justin blinked in response to hear such a sentence come out angered and disgusted from the brunette’s mouth. 

Not having known a father since he was very young, Justin didn’t know how a father figure was supposed to act. His own father had run off with another woman soon after Justin’s mother was pregnant with a second child. Justin had been four then; therefore he didn’t have much of a memory concerning his father. He used to sit on the beach and watch with envy as the other children flew kites with their fathers.

Being the only male in the household, Justin took it upon himself to watch over and take care of his mother and his younger sister, Mollyana. He supposed he matured faster than the other children because of such responsibilities. However, his mother was perfectly able to take care of the whole family, having run a successful bakery. 

“What of a mother? Or a sister and brother?” Justin hoped that his inquiry wasn’t too personal for the taller man. “Which would you like to know more of? My alcoholic mother or my wench of a sister?” Brian asked, amusement coloring his question. Justin didn’t think it was funny at all. He didn’t understand how someone could speak so simply of their family in such a horrible manner.

Brian seemed to sense his unease so he turned serious once again. “When you think of a mother, you think of someone who is nurturing and loving. My own mother never fit that description. She was a religious woman and yet alcohol was always the answer to her. When you think of a sibling, you picture someone who supports and understands you. Unfortunately for me, I never experienced that with my sister. She was selfish and it was obvious she wished death upon me,” Brian’s tone of voice held a sad reminiscent feeling. 

Justin blinked back the sudden onslaught of tears. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Don’t apologize. In a way, it’s a blessing my father scent me off to join the military. At least I was able to get out of that situation,” Brian tried to sound cheerful. Justin said nothing and his brow furrowed as he lost himself in a deep thought.

Soon the pair found themselves standing in front of the Inn. “You won’t be able to find a safer place in all of this country side,” Justin declared, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen upon the both of them. He stepped into the building; Brian quickly followed.

“Justin, it’s so good to see you,” a short and fairly handsome man greeted him with a warm smile. “The same goes to you, Michael,” Justin chuckled as he allowed the man to come forth and embrace him in a tight hug. “Each time we meet, you grow more breath taking than ever,” Michael beamed at him. Justin blushed at the compliment. Brian couldn’t help but feel a slight sting of jealousy.

“And who is your friend?” Michael asked, finally taking notice of Brian with full interest. “This is Brian Kinney, he’s new to the town,” Justin explained. “Welcome to our town Brian, it’s always nice to see a new face in an old crowd,” Michael smiled at him. Brian felt the sting of jealousy fade away upon deciding that he liked raven-haired man. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Brian held out his hand. Michael took it and gave it a jovial shake.

“Now I believe your business here is to rent a room?” Michael inquired as he stepped behind the front desk and pulled out a thick book full of records. “Yes, I’d like a single room please, if you have one,” Brian requested politely. “For you Brian, anything,” Michael assured him as he jotted down the brunette’s name in the book with enthusiasm. 

He turned his back to the pair and began searching for the key to Brian’s room. “You will need to pay once you are ready to vacate the room,” Michael informed him over his shoulder. Brian nodded in assent. “I’m assuming that you don’t know where to go to buy any essentials?” Michael asked as he turned back to face the tall man, the room key clutched tightly in a fist. 

“I can manage on my own,” Brian tried to reassure him. “Nonsense,” Michael brushed off Brian’s reassurance with a wave of his hand as though he were trying to shoo a fly. “Justin can show you around,” Michael said with simplicity. Justin bit back a protest. “What of his mother, she’s back at the store all by herself; surely Justin wouldn’t have the time to show me around,” Brian pointed out.

“Jennifer isn’t inept to work, and besides Mollyana is there with her,” Michael informed him. “Mollyana?” Brian turned to look at Justin. “She’s my younger sister, but she prefers to be called Molly for short,” Justin explained. “So is it settled? You go set your things in the room, and Justin will be waiting here for you,” Michael said as he gave the key to Brian.

“Okay, if Justin doesn’t mind,” Brian said uncertainly. “He doesn’t,” Michael spoke for the blonde. Justin didn’t know how he managed to refrain from strangling the imp of a man. Upon the affirmation, Brian adjusted his heavy backpack and made his way towards his room. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Justin hissed once Brian was out of earshot. “Absolutely nothing,” Michael answered as he straightened up the area around the front desk. “You’re lying,” Justin growled at him. “What makes you say that?” Michael inquired innocently as he stepped around the front desk and took to straightening up the lobby. 

“What makes you think Brian holds any interest in men,” Justin demanded to know. “Isn’t it obvious?” Michael sighed with annoyance. “No it’s not obvious, besides he probably has a girl waiting for him back home; and will you please stop answering my questions with questions?” Justin could feel a headache beginning to form.

Michael let loose another exasperated sigh. “If you weren’t so painfully oblivious, you would have noticed the jealous expression cross his face the moment I complimented you,” Michael pointed out. “He didn’t show any-,” Justin began. Michael cut him off. “And because of your obliviousness you didn’t notice the way he kept looking at you,” he added as he straightened a cushion on the couch. “Th-that doesn’t mean,” Justin tried to argue. He could feel an unmistakable blush beginning to form.

“Justin, I want you to stop that,” Michael said sternly. “Stop what?” Justin was utterly confused. “Stop trying to deny the truth. Brian is attracted to you, and if you really think about it, you’re attracted to him as well,” Michael spoke in a calm manner. Justin couldn’t help himself, he laughed out loud. “You’ve got to be joking,” he managed to speak in between his laughter. Michael didn’t look too pleased at being laughed at.

“There you go again, trying to cover up the truth,” he sighed. “Ever since Aleron moved away you refused to allow any other get close to you intimately. You closed yourself off and pushed all that pursued you away,” Michael’s tone held sadness in it. Justin immediately stopped laughing. 

Michael’s words held a lot of truth in them. The memory of Aleron was now a dull ache, though at times unbearable to think about. Since Aleron’s departure a year and a half ago, Justin had become slightly despondent due to the fact that Aleron never contacted him like he promised he would. It pained Michael to not see the true smile that usually reached Justin’s azure orbs. Or hear the melodious laughter flow from him. 

Sure the blonde still smiled and laughed. But Michael new that it was all a farce. A farce used to cover up the pain and sadness Justin was constantly feeling inside.

The sound of Brian’s footsteps coming down the hallway shattered the depression that laced the atmosphere. Michael quickly took his place behind the front desk. “Justin, if you’re still up to it you can show me around the town,” Brian said timidly. Michael shot Justin a meaningful look. The younger man rolled his eyes. “Of course Brian, it’s no problem at all,” Justin’s voice became small and feeble as he turned to face the taller man. His mouth suddenly went dry.

Brian was dressed in a simple white t-shirt and khaki riding pants. He seemed to have taken a bath for his skin held a whole new glow to it. He brushed his hair back and tucked it behind his ears, giving himself a sleek appearance. If Justin thought Brian was devastatingly handsome before, there were certainly no words to describe him now.

Michael whistled appreciatively. “You clean up really nicely,” he complimented the brunette. Brian smiled in thanks. “You have no idea how good it felt to be able to take an actual bath,” he admitted. “You haven’t had one in a long while?” Michael asked incredulously. “Well I have, just not as meticulously as this one,” Brian corrected him. 

“With training in full swing, we soldiers don’t really get a chance at a good bath,” Brian hoped this explanation would clear Michael’s expression of confusion. Thankfully, it did. “So are you guys taking a break?” he asked. “Yes, for the time being,” Brian confirmed. 

“What brought you to Espoir Sauvage?” Michael was certainly full of questions this morning, Justin noticed. “Well the name alone attracted me, and it was also the closest town to camp,” Brian pointed out. “No family to go home to?” Another innocent question and yet this one made Justin cringe inside. “No,” Brian handled it with ease, “I live too far away.”

Michael nodded in understanding. “Well I better let you two go!” he reprimanded himself having seen the time. “Though we may be a small town, there’s plenty to see,” Michael declared proudly. Brian extended his hand once again. “Thank you for your hospitality,” he said kindly. Michael took it and gave the hazel eyed man a warm smile. “Anytime, friend,” he responded gently. 

Justin took the moment to allow himself back out to breathe in fresh air. The sun had placed itself higher up in the cloudless sky, casting comforting warmth upon the town. Moments later, Brian stepped back onto the cobbled street beside him. “Ready for the tour?” Justin asked him teasingly. “With you by my side, I’d be ready for anything,” Brian answered confidently. Justin felt his heart skip a beat.

*End Flashback*

Justin bolted upright in bed, beads of sweat dotting his forehead. It took a moment for his dream hazed mind to catch up to reality. By the looks of it, he had woken up during the early hours of the morning, the sun just beginning to rise. He had left his window open, allowing the night breeze to push itself into his tiny room. The scent of the ocean was mixed within his sheets.

“Justin,” a voice croaked; breaking the silence of the morning. Justin shot his gaze towards the doorway. In the dim morning light, he could barely make out the silhouette of his mother’s form. “Mama,” Justin immediately sensed something was wrong and made to get out of bed.

A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. Mollyana had gotten terribly sick overnight, or a robber had broken in having stolen their life savings. “Don’t get up,” Jennifer took a step into the room. Finally Justin could make out the expression Jennifer held upon her face. It was of mourning and deep regret. Justin felt his heart plummet to his stomach. “Take a seat,” Jennifer murmured. Numbly, Justin did as he was told. He gripped the sheets beneath him in tight fists.

Jennifer hesitated for a moment before finally deciding to sit on the bed next to Justin. She gave a deep sigh and reached over to place a white envelope upon Justin’s lap. She placed it so that the address was facing down. “Rainier brought it this morning,” she withdrew her hand and placed it in her own lap, folding it with its twin. With trembling hands of his own, Justin slowly turned the envelope over. It was addressed to him from someone whose name Justin didn’t recognize. 

He didn’t know how he managed to flip the envelope over again and extract the letter from within. Slowly he unfolded the letter. If felt like he had swallowed cotton upon seeing the French Military seal stamped in red ink on the top left hand corner. He read the letter aloud. He didn’t know why. Maybe to let his mother hear it, or maybe reading the letter out loud would allow him come to terms with the horrible reality of it all:

Monsieur Justin Taylor,  
It is with the deepest regret that we must inform you of the loss of Brian Tristan Kinney who was most unfortunately killed in the line of duty. A memorial will be held for all of those lost in battle and deep respect paid to those families who are mourning this terrible loss of which we are painfully reminded of...

The rest of the letter was blurred behind the wall of Justin’s forming tears. “Justin,” Jennifer placed a comforting hand upon Justin’s shoulder. Justin looked up at her and blinked, allowing a few tears to break free from their azure prison and trickle down his face. Jennifer’s own eyes were brimming with tears as well. “Mama, can I have a moment alone please?” Justin requested timidly, his voice hitching. 

Jennifer gave him a weak smile and nodded. She gracefully stood up. She leaned over and placed a soft kiss upon his forehead. “I’m sorry, Justin,” her lips moved gently against his forehead as she spoke. Justin felt his breath catch. Jennifer squeezed his shoulder once again and left the room, leaving Justin to his thoughts.

Justin sat upon the bed for a moment longer, listening to the sounds that the morning always brought. The croaking of the bullfrogs having died only to be replaced by the melodious chirping of the song bird. Justin could hear Molly beginning to stir awake in the next room over. Suddenly, as if thawed from the chilling cold that had placed its icy grip upon him, Justin sprang to life. He leapt up from his bed and bolted towards his dresser.

He tore open one drawer and began rummaging frantically through the contents inside. Having found what he was looking for, Justin yanked the sheets of paper from their confinement and dashed out of his room. He flew down the stairs mindlessly and slammed into the front door. “Justin?” Jennifer’s called floated from the kitchen; a worried tone obvious in her voice.

Justin’s fingers scrambled to unlock the door; his mind and body desperate to get out of the suffocating atmosphere. The door flung wide open and Justin bolted out into the rapidly brightening day barefooted.

Jennifer rushed out of the kitchen and stopped short at the doorway. “Justin!” she screamed after her only son as she watched him slip and slide on the cobbled street. She was dismayed to find that he was blatantly ignoring her. Knowing that she could do nothing but pray that he would come home safely, Jennifer stepped back within the shadow of her home and gently closed the door.

Justin’s lungs felt like they were about to burst any second. But he refused to allow himself to slow to a walk or even a light jog. The town seemed to blur at the rate of his speed and because of the tears deflecting his vision. Though to an outsider, Justin looked like and emotional wreck; the blonde knew exactly where he needed to go. Within seconds, the telltale sign of the air thickening with the scent of salt let Justin know that he had reached his destination.

Finally he allowed his pace to lessen, due to the fact that the sand beneath his feet wouldn’t allow him to move at the quick pace of which he began with. The waves of the ocean crashed angrily against the shore; the sound of it deafening. The sun hadn’t risen high enough to illuminate the ocean therefore it still looked dark and ominous. The scene reflected Justin’s emotions perfectly.

The twenty one year old finally allowed his knees to buckle and he collapsed to the ground in a heap. Panting heavily, the blonde finally allowed his straining muscles give into a lax state for a moment. 

Once the moment passed, however, Justin threw his head up and screamed into the air. He gathered up sand and balled it tightly in his fists, squeezing as tightly as he could. He could feel shards of the sand embed itself under his finger nails. He reveled in the pain as the shards cut up the sensitive skin there.

He screamed once again and finally allowed himself to openly cry. The silent shaking of his body broke into heart wrenching sobs. It couldn’t be true, Brian couldn’t be dead. Justin chanted inside his head like a mantra. It took a few moments, but when Justin was finally able to compose himself a bit, he reached into his pants to retrieve the papers he had tucked safely within.

They were the same letters that he had gotten from his sock drawer. Brian can’t be dead. The thought kept running through his mind. Having calmed down greatly but still sobbing nonetheless Justin forced himself to read the distinctive scrawl spread across the paper that was clutched in his trembling hands. 

Brian had written him weekly since he had left a six months ago, which gave Justin hope that he was still alive. 

However, the letters had stopped coming nearly a month ago. Justin squeezed his eyes shut. Brian couldn’t be dead, it couldn’t be true.

He slowly opened his eyes, and sniffling tremendously, he let his gaze rove over the letter:

Justin,  
It’s been only one week since I saw you last and yet it already feels like an eternity. Training is becoming more difficult with each passing day, but I am able to bear it all whenever I think of you and your beautiful smile. At night, I dream of you. I dream of your voice, smooth like silk as words ran from your mouth, every word sounding like it was spoken in poetry. I dream of your eyes, which put even the brightest stars to shame whenever you laugh. Then I dream of your smile. I still like to imagine that your full lips managed to bottle the sun’s warming and incomparable magic and whenever we kiss, I can feel that magic transfer onto me. What we have, and always will have is magic and no other thought can sway me. I miss you terribly my love. I promise you, I will come back to you as soon as I can. I promise you.

Brian

For some unexplainable reason Brian’s letter managed to calm Justin down completely. Wiping the excess tears from his eyes Justin brought his gaze up to stare out onto the ocean. “Brian isn’t dead,” he said aloud, as if hoping to hear the words spoken instead of thought about would reassure him. Suddenly a new determination washed over him and Justin picked himself up off the ground. At that very moment Justin decided he would make it his mission to find out the truth. A few sentences on a letter couldn’t depict everything. If Brian was dead, then Justin would try to get every possible piece of information on how he died and accept the sad truth. But if Brian was alive, Justin was by no means going to stop trying to find him.

One would think that Justin had given over to insanity. But if one looked closer it was the determination of love that caused him to not give up on Brian or himself for that matter.


End file.
